You must be joking!
by Metallicafangirl
Summary: AVALANCHE is thrown from their home, and end up somewhere else, somewhere where no one knows who they are. And the worst part is, the Turks are there too! Mainly Reffie.
1. Grass grass and grass

Disclaimer : I do not own any of the charakters in this fic , they all belong to Square , but I wish I owned Reno , blah blah blah . You know this already , don´t you ? If there´s any spelling mistakes or grammatical erorrs, don´t be too hard on me, english isn´t my maternal language. Anyway, here´s my humble contribution to the fantastic world of fanfiction .   
  
  
The members of AVALANCHE was gathered for their annual meeting , this time held in Tifas new bar, Final Heaven. Two years had passed since the defeat of Sephiroth , and everything was more or less back to normal . Tifa and Cloud was continuing their never-ending story, Cloud was still upset about Aerith´s death , but all in all , things were looking fine . Barret was helping Tifa with her bar , mainly kicking out the drunks when they got too loud and aggressive , Cid was still tinkering with the Highwind , Nanaki had moved back to Cosmo Canyon , Vincent had returned to the mansion in Nibelhem , and Yuffie was trying to keep away from Wutai because her father was insiting on marrying her of to some high and mighty Wutaian man .   
" So , Vinnie , how´s life in a coffin ? " Yuffie asked the darkhaired gunman. Said gunman rolled his eyes upon hearing his, in his oppinion, horrible nickname .   
" I do no longer live in a coffin , Yuffie ."   
" Really? Well I understand you , it must´ve gotten boring just staring at the lid all the time."  
" ---- " Vincent was just about to answer when the world went completely and utterly pitch black .   
  
When Yuffie opened her eyes again , all she could see was grass .Very close up. The reason for this , was that she was lying face-down on a lawn .This was defenetly not where she had blacked-out .She lifted her head and looked around .Surrounding her was the rest of AVALANCHE , lying as she was , sprawled across the lawn . Slowy, she managed to sit up , and suveyed the landscape. Around her , the members of AVALANCHE was were following a very human course of action, by checking they still had all limbs, that the limbs in question was still attached to the body , then sitting up and wondering where the hell they were . Cid voiced everyones silent question ;   
" Where the #¤% are we ?"   
" My thoughts exactly, Cid, but I´d like to add ; How the hell did we end up here ?" Cloud said.  
  
Not far from there , a pair of Mako green eyes opened , and the owner wondered the same thing .  
  
A minute later, all members of AVALANCHE were standing on the lawn, looking at the castle thet occupied most of it. It was huge and had enough towers to last a whole regiment of wizards. It had windows in all possible and impossible places ,an Yuffie , who still hadn´t aquired any sense of timing , asked ;   
" Wow ,Vinnie , you´ve been here too ? "   
" What do you mean ?" The tall man asked.   
" This place really looks like vampires castle , don´t you think ? "   
" I´m not a vampire." Vincent replied wearily .   
Before an argument had time to break out , they spotted a black-clad man approaching quickly from across the lawn. Judging from his expression, he was about ready to blow up. When he came within hearing distance, he shouted ;  
" Who are you people!?How dare you intrude on the grounds ?!"  
As he came closer , they saw that his black hair was greasy and his large nose was so crooked and bent that it must have been broken once . The mans black eyes stared at them coldly .  
" Exuse me, sir, but we don´t know how we ended up here , and if we intruded on your privet property , we sincerely apologize." Tifa said. Her politeness and sincerety seemed to stop the blackhaired mans anger for a moment, and he took a step back peering at them suspiciously.  
" Who are you ?" He asked again.  
"You´ve asked that already." Vincent mumbled.  
" We´re all members of AVALANCHE , sir." Tifa said, shooting Vincent a warning look.  
"Who?" The man asked , puzzled. There was a collective dropping of jaws among the AVALANCHE, and Cloud asked;  
"You don´t know ?"  
" I´m afraid not."  
" How can you not know ?" Tifa exclaimed, baffled.  
" I´ve never heard of them , ma´am."  
" Where the #¤%¤# are we ?" Cid repeated.  
" Just what I would like to know , Highwind." A voice called out from behind them. Everyone turned , in time to see two people step out from the large forest. After seeing who they were, AVALANCHE all dropped into a fighting stance.  
"Turks!" Barret hissed.  
And indeed it was the redheaded Reno and the bald Rude of the Turks . Reno flashed his trademark smirk, and said ;   
" I see AVALANCHE is gathered. Nice to see some familiar faces in this damn place."  
" Well, it sure ain´t nice to see yours , Turk." Barret snapped back.  
" What the Hell is going on ?!!! " The black haired man roared, interrupting the would-be fight.  
" Geez, cool down man, no need to get angry. Now , tell us what this god damn place is called , and make it quick." Reno said. The blackhaired man looked surprised.   
" Don´t you know ? You´re at Hogwarts ." 


	2. Turkeys who can´t spell

Here comes another chapter, and it seems I will keep writing this fic. The charakters may be a bit OCC chapter, but there´s nothing like being thrown into another world to bring you out of character, is there ? Yes! ( author goes down on her knees, sending a thank-you prayer to whatever god is listening). Finally! A good exuse to let characters be OCC! If you like this story , please reweiw. If you don´t , then tell me what ìm doing wrong.  
Now for the disclaimer ; I don´t own anything, but I wish I did *cough*Reno*cough*.  
  
  
  
Everyone stared at the black-haired man, not knowing wether they should laugh or bash his head.   
" And where´s that ?" Reno asked, lighting another cigarret. Now it was the black-haired mans turn to be surprised.  
" In England, of course !"( I don´t really know that, but let´s pretend.)  
Reno looked around at AVALANCHE and his fellow Turk, seeing that they were as confused as he was.  
" And where´s England ?" He asked.  
" In Europe ."  
" And where´s --- " Reno shook his head, this was getting ridicolous. " Nevermind. What is Hogwarts ?"  
" A scool for witches and wizards, have you never heard of it ? Or are you Muggles ?"  
" What the Hell is a Muggle ?" Barret exclaimed.  
" Some sort of fruit, prehaps ?" Nanaki commented, a slight smile on his face.  
" It talks !" The black-haired man blurted, staring at Nanaki.  
" Yeah, he does. Who are you anyway, old man ?" Yuffie asked.  
" Old man ?! I, ma´am, am Severus Snape, professor at this school !" He shouted.   
" And you shall treat me with respect ! Anyway ," He continued, calming down a bit " we will have to talk to the Headmaster about this. Follow me." He turned around, heading for the big double-doors. Everyone followed, having nothing better to do. Reno, however, couldn´t resist the opportunity to crack a joke. Being Reno, it was a bad joke.  
" Must you really run to your boss every time people turn up on the lawn for no damn   
reason ? "  
" Yes." Snape replied, dead-pan.  
" And here I was, thinking you should only bother them if it was something important. Well,  
we learn something new everyday." Reno said sarcasticly. Yuffie smiled a bit. No matter what happened, no matter where they went, one thing she knew for certain. Reno would always crack really bad and corny jokes.  
  
Who are these people ? And most importantly, where did they come from ? Snape thought to himself while leading the way to Headmaster Dumbledore´s office.One of them, a hyper-active teenage girl, was walking beside him. Not far behind her was the tall redheaded man, who, along with the bald man, insisted on keeping his sunglasses on, even inside the castle. As they arrived at Dumbledore´s office, Snape had to stop and think for a moment. The Headmaster kept changing passwords, each one stranger than the last.  
" What are you waiting for, man ? We don´t have all day, you know." Cloud said, tapping his foot impatiently.  
" Wait." Snape said, holding up a hand. " Now I remember. Morituri Nolumus Mori." With a scraping sound the gargoyle that blocked the entrence to the Headmaster´s office hopped aside, revealing a doorway. Reno and Rude exchanged a look. There was something odd about that password.  
" We who are about to die, don´t want to ?" Reno asked " That´s weird. " Snape shrugged.  
" He got it from some kind of Muggle book." Shaking his head, he continued " Follow me."   
At the top of the flight of stairs was a heavy oak door, wich Snape knocked. A voice was heard through the door."Come in, Severus." Snape nodded to the others ro follow him inside. In the room was a desk, laden with strange devices and dusty books. Behind the desk an old man was seated in an equally old chair . He looked up at them with a friendly smile on his face. He looked from Snape to the other people.  
" I belive you will introduce me to these people any second now. " He said, his smile never falthering. Snape detected the hidden insult in the comment, and was about to snap at the old man, when he realized thet he didn´t know their names, and the angry words stuck in his throath. The old man only chuckled, and turned to the others.  
" I´m sure Severus will get his voice back in no time. While he´s looking for it, I might as well ask you for your names. Mine´s Albus Dumbledor, but no doubt Severus has already told you that."  
" Don´t jump to conclusions, old man. We have no clue who you are, and as far as I´m concerned, I don´t give a damn anyway." Reno said."As  
for my name, it´s none of your buisess."   
" Hey, watch it, Turkey, it would´t hurt you to be polite every now and then." Yuffie ( Who else ?) said , earning her a Death Glare (TM) from said ´Turkey´.  
" Shut up, brat." Reno shot back.  
" Oh, I´m so sorry, I forgot ! You don´t know how to spell polite, do you, Turkey ?" The little ninja went on, flashing him an impish smile. Reno was about to severely re-arrange her face, when both Rude and Vincent broke in, Rude putting a hand on Reno´s shoulder, and Vincent doing Yuffie the same favour. Trying to keep the peace, at least for a while, Tifa hastened to speak.  
" I´m Tifa Lockheart,sir. And I apologize for their behavior." She said, sending Reno and Yuffie a warning look. The redhead and the ninja quickly put on their calm faces, not wanting to earn Tifa´s wrath, wich could be quite fearsome. The rest of AVALANCHE straightened up and started inroducing themselves.  
" Cloud Strife, sir,"  
" Barret Wallace."  
" Cid #¤#¤" Highwind, pilot."  
" Yuffie Kisaragi."  
" Nanaki." At this, Dumbledor´s gaze shifted to the lion-like creature , and he smiled widely, as if someone had just told him a joke. Then he turned expectantly towards the two Turks. Rude took the hint imidiatly.  
" Rude." And he said no more. Under the withering stares of AVALANCHE, Reno decided that he he better follow suit.  
" Reno Rikes." He muttered. Yuffie´s eyes widened. Reno had just volunteered to tell them his last name. She wondered if anyone else had noticed. Vincent probably had, he didn´t miss much. About Vincent....  
" Hey, vampire, aren´t you gonna introduce yourself ?" She asked.  
" I´m not a vampire, Yuffie. And my name is Vincent Valentine." He continued, turning back to Dumbledore. The older man (or maby not) smiled at them.  
" And what is your reason for coming here ?" He didn´t have time to recive an answer, because of the frantic knocking on the door. Snape opened it, and revealed a boy about eleven years old, with dark hair and blue eyes, his chest heaving .  
" Professor !" He exclaimed. Snapes brow furrowed.  
" What´s wrong, mr. Black ?"( No, it´s not Sirius son.)  
" There´s a troll in the dungeon ! You must come !" The little boy was close to tears." Please ! Mr. Zabini* is telling everyone to get out !"  
" Of course I´m coming, mr. Black. Just wait for a moment ." Snape turned to Dumbledore." Albus, will you inform the other teachers ?"  
" Of course, Severus." The Headmaster answered. Snape only nodded, and turned to walk out of the office. However, his path was blocked by Reno.  
" Get out of my way ! This is an emergency !" Snape shouted. Reno smirked.  
" If the emergency is so damn dire, do you need any help ?" He asked the now furious man.  
" Help ? How could you help ?"  
" We aren´t completly unskilled, you know. And you want this troll dead, don´t you ?" Reno replied, now grinning.  
" Yes, but we´d need the Removal of Magical Creatures Division for that !" Snape said." They´re the only ones who knows how to kill a troll !"  
" Are you daft ? We know how to kill one of ´em. I learned that on my mothers knee, I did." Reno said, a mocking edge in his voice." I´m gonna kill that troll, wether you like it or not. I sure as Hell ain´t sitting about waiting for some blockheaded wizards to get their asses over here." With that, the redhead started for the door, was stopped by Yuffie, who laid a hand on his arm.  
" Is there something you want, kid ?" He asked." Or are you just coming up with a bad exuse to put your hands on me ?"  
" In your dreams, Turkey. I´m not gonna let you get all the praise for this.I´m coming with you. If nothing else, then to save your sorry ass."  
Reno looked her up and down, smirking.  
" Fine. But I think it´ll be the other way around." Then he headed out of the office followed by the hyper-active ninja. Surpressing a sigh, Vincent headed after them.  
" Hey, Vincent, where are you going ?" Cloud called.  
" After them." Was all the darkhaired gunman said. 


	3. Reno´s pathetic!

People has been giving me reweiws! Thank you, thank you, thank you,*bows down low*! Rappy28, how about we steal Reno from Square?   
I mean, the have so many awesome characters, so they´d hardly miss one, would they? Thank you for reweiwing, Scarr, and yes, I am joking.  
I hope I´ll be able to keep the humor in it. Also thank you big brother (KTotte), for your rewiew, I´m glad you liked it. On with the story.  
  
Oh, and I still don´t own anything. Exept the plot.  
  
  
Reno and Yuffie were half-way down the stairs when Vincent caught up with them. Yuffie turned around with a smile at him.  
" Hi Vinnie, are you coming too?"  
" Yes."  
" Why, Valentine? Don´t think we can handle it?" Reno asked, smirking again.  
" I don´t think you can handle each other. We want Yuffie back alive and in one piece." Vincent answered, an amazingly long speech for the otherwise so   
silent gunman. Reno tried to look innocent, and failed miserably.   
" You really think that I´d hurt her?"  
" Yes"  
" Nobody trusts me." The redhead sighed, sounding hurt, but the twinkle in his eye ruined the effect. Yuffie rolled her eyes.  
" I wonder why?" She said.  
" Exactly what I want to know!" Reno exclaimed, mock-serious. Yuffie growled and threathened to hit him over the head with her Shuriken. Once again,  
Vincent was forced to break up the fight.  
" Play nice." He said, waving a waring finger at the two younger people.  
" Yes mister vampire." They both said.  
" I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!" Vincent roared.  
  
Inside Dumbledore´s office, Tifa sighed, hearing Vincents outbreak.  
"At this rate, they´ll kill each other before they even reach the dungeon."She said mournfully.  
" Yeah, but look at it from the bright side, it´ll be one Turk less in the world." Clod comforted her, throwing Rude a vicious glare. Rude didn´t even blink.   
Or maby he did, but if it was so, it was hidden by his ever-present sunglasses.   
" Turk?" Dumbledore asked .  
" Yeah, a heap o´ #¤" bastards, the lot of them." Barret said. Rude smirked a little, but otherwise showed no sign of hearing the larger mans comment.  
Dumbledore cleared his throat.  
" Back to our earlier topic of disscussion; Why are you all here?" He asked.  
" We-ell, I don´t know about the Turks, but we just turned up on your lawn, sort of. We don´t know how or why, and certainly not where,  
so if you could help us to get back home, we´d be thankfull." Tifa said. Snape´s jaw fell.  
" You apparated here?" He asked.  
" Appa-what? What´s that?" Cloud asked, looking extremly stupid. Snape turned helplessly to Dumbledore, who was now looking very serious.  
" Albus! What´s wrong with these people?"  
" I belive they were transported here by some sort of spell, Severus."  
" From where?"  
" From another world than our own. Isn´t that the case ?" He asked AVALANCHE and Rude. Several of them nodded, they had figured as much.  
A place where no one knew of AVALANCHE simply had to be another world.  
" Then all we have to do, is figure out a way to send you back...."  
  
Vincent, Yuffie and Reno had now reached, without any casualties, at least not any major ones, the dungeon. Before long,  
they ran into a small group of students. They all had their wands out, trying to look dangerous( and failing, but why ruin their selfesteem by telling them?).  
Reno, annoyed that the students hadn´t gotten out of his way, smirked at them a little, deciding to get them out of the way.  
" You still here?" He asked them. They quickly turned around, only to discover a ninja, a gunman and a very pissed Turk.   
When they saw it wasn´t any of the teachers, they relaxed.  
" Yeah, you have a problem with that?" The biggest of them told him. Reno grinned. This was going to be fun.  
" Oh, not at all. But if you get in my way, I just might shoot you. Of course, it´s your choice to stay, I´m only saying it´s not very smart."   
" You wouldn´t dare hurt me!" The student yelled. Seeing Reno´s smile then, Yuffie thought it reminded her of a steel trap.  
" Try me." The redheaded Turk said, still grinning widely. Deciding not to, the students turned on their heels and fled upstairs.  
" You handled that pretty good, Turkey, I must say." Yuffie acknowledged.  
" Of course, I´m quite intelligent, wich is more than I can say about others." The infuriating redhead replied.   
" One day, that to quick mouth of yours is going to get you in trouble, Turkey." Yuffie sighed.  
" I´m always in trouble, I don´t know how to live otherwise." He smirked.  
A loud crashing noise cut of any further conversation, and they quickly prepared for battle.  
  
Afterwards, they were disappointed. The troll hadn´t put up much of a fight. Acctually, all it had done was stare stupidly at them for a while.  
" That was ridicolous!" Reno shouted, waving his hand towards the now rather dead troll.  
" It was way too easy." Yuffie agreed. Vincent only nodded, reloading his gun.  
" We better head back." He said.  
" Yeah, and tell them they need better monsters, ´cause that was pathetic." Reno decided, still a bit angry that he hadn´t gotten anymore action out of the fight.  
" Kind of like you then, Turkey." Yuffie smiled sweetly.  
" Exactly!" Reno said, then realized what he had just said." No! Wait! I didn´t mean that!" He desperatley tried to save himself, but Yuffie was already giggling  
like a loon. Vincent only shook his head, but Reno got the feeling that the stoic man was amused too, he just didn´t show it.  
Why did I even open my mouth, the redhead thought.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Well? What do you think? I´ve managed to update pretty quickly, I didn´t think it would be this easy.   
What will happen in the next chapter? Will Yuffie tell everyone what Reno said? Will Dumbledor find a way to send them back?  
And where´s Harry? You´ll find out as soon as I post the next chapter. Untilthen, read and reweiw.  
- Metallicafangirl 


	4. Jam, Cereal and Weasley Brothers

I still don´t own Reno*sigh*, and neither have I obtained the ownership for anything else, it´s still Square´s and JK Rowling ´s *grumble*. But I own the plot! * jumps up and down happily*. Hey, Rappy28, do you have a plan? Tell me if you have!  
Err... anyway, here´s chapter four.  
  
  
  
When Yuffie had calmed down again, they went back to the Headmasters office in something that if it wasn´t genuine order, at least could pass for it in dim light.  
When they entered the office, all of AVALANCHE was sitting down on the wide assortment of chairs and couches in the room, all exept Nanaki,   
who had opted to lie on the floor instead.  
" All taken care of." Reno said to the Headmaster of Hogwarts.   
" Oh, Turkey?Wasn´t there anything you wanted to tell them?" Yuffie asked sweetly. Reno glared at her.  
" I don´t know what you´re talking about!" He said, just a shade too quickly. Then he turned back to Dumbledore. " So what´s new here?"  
" Well, we confirmed the option that we are, in fact, in another world, and then we have disscussed sleeping arrengements." Tifa said, looking from Reno´s  
smirking face to Vincent´s calm expression to Yuffie´s evil grin. Reno grinned a bit, just about to say something, when Yuffie jabbed him in the ribs.  
He sent her another glare.  
" What the hell was that for, brat?" He asked , holding a hand up to his ribcage.  
" Whatever you were about to say, don´t." The little ninja replied. Reno feigned hurt.  
" I wasn´t gonna say anything, I promise!" He said , with wide-eyed innocense.  
" Yeah, right!"Yuffie mumbled." Anyway, what about the sleeping arrangements?"  
" We have no other option then to put you in the student houses, but for tonight, you will sleep in a few rooms down the hall. I´m afraid nothing else can be  
arranged in the hurry, but they will have to do." Dumbledore answered. Yuffie nodded, satisfied with this answer.  
  
  
  
  
There was nothing wrong with the rooms, and Yuffie slept soundly. She woke up the next morning, feeling a little less confused than yesterday,   
with the talking of another world and all. She went outside the room, and ran straight into Reno, who was standing in the corridor, looking extremly confused.  
" What´s up, Turkey?" She asked. He looked around and spotted her.  
" There was this kid who asked me if my name was Weasley, and before I had time to answer, she turned and ran down the corridor, yelling; ´Say hi to Fred  
and George from me!´ Weird" He said." Anyway, I´m hungry, do you know where i could get some decent breakfast in this place?" He continued.  
Yuffie shook her head.  
" Nope. I just woke up."  
" Damn! I´m just about ready to eat my shoes here!" He exclaimed. Yuffie stared at him, with an evil glint in her eye.  
" Really?! Can I watch?" Then she laughed and ran down the corridor as Reno growled and charged after her. Yuffie only ran faster.  
  
It was like this that they found their way into the Great Hall, where most of the students were having breakfast. Yuffie froze when she saw everyone staring at her.  
Unfortunatley, Reno´s reactions were a little slower, and he ran straight into her back, knocking them both over. There was absolute silence in the hall,   
and Yuffie found herself blushing beet red. This is sooo embarassing! She thought. Reno was back on his feet quickly and gave her a hand up.  
He shot the spectators a vicious glare.  
" What?! "He snapped. Needless to say, the Great Hall hastily reassumed whatever they were doing before the arrival of the strange and missmatched pair.   
Yuffie had spotted Vincent sitting by himself at another table, and hurried over to him, Reno following her. The blackhaired man greeted them with a nodd and a  
small smile, only visible to those who knew his face. Yuffie noticed, though, and it only made her more miserable. She sat down opposite to her mystreious  
friend, giving him a weak smile in return. Reno slumped down next to her, and asked Vincent;  
" So, what´s for breakfast?" Vincent shrugged." Egg, bacon, toast. The usual."   
Reno seemed disappointed.  
" No jam? No cereal?" He said. Vincent shook his head. Reno sighed." They take all the fun out of breakfast."  
Yuffie looked disgusted.  
" Jam and cereal? How can you mix jam and cereal?! Eurrg! GROSSNESS!" The little ninja exclaimed, causing several students to stare at her.   
She didn´t notice, though, being concentrated on the redheaded man in front of her.  
" It´s really good!" Said redhead protested, taking his favourite dish in defence." Especally with strawberry jam."  
" I don´t belive you! That´s waay disgusting!"   
" No, it´s not!"   
" Yes, it is!"   
" No it´s not!"   
" Yes, it is!  
" It is not! How do you know ´til you tried?"   
" I just know! And if you try to force me to eat it, I´ll stuff my Conformer down your throath! " She threathened.   
" I belive it when I see it, brat." The annoying Turk smirked.  
" Just you wait, Turkey! Just you wait." She muttered darkly.  
  
Yuffie ate a breakfast of egg and bacon, while Reno settled for toast in the absense of his favourite dish. They got through the meal without anymore yelling,  
and on the whole, they were quite satisfied when it ended. They were just sitting around, waiting for the others to wake up, when a hand was planted on Renos  
shoulder, closely followed by a female voice.  
" Bill! I didn´t know you were here! When did you come?" Reno looked over his shoulder, meeting the gaze of a young girl who´s hair was only a few shades  
lighter than his own.  
" What?" He asked, annoyed. The young girls face turned severeal shades of pink, and quickly removed her hand.  
" You´re not Bill." She said. Reno smirked.  
" Thanks for stating the obvious, kid."   
" I-I´m s-s-orry, only y-you look l-like my b-brother, and.." The girl stammered.  
" Well I´m not." Reno stated. Yuffie grinned.  
" No, you´re Turkey. Right , Turkey?" She said, grinning even wider at his expression.  
" Shut up, brat!" He snapped at her . Mock-seriously, Yuffie waved a finger at him.  
" Now, now, Turkey, if you´re gonna be like that, I won´t give you your Materia back!" She said. Reno´s face went very, very still, and he stared at Yuffie.  
" Whoops! " The little ninja said, then got up and raced out of the Great Hall with Reno barely one step behind. The young girl, as well as the rest of the students, watched them, confused. Vincent sighed. Here we go again, he thought. The young girl turned her shocked face towards him in askance.  
" It´s quite allright. I´ts not the first time." He said to her. And most likely not the last. He thougt to himself, going back to his bacon and marmelade.   
Reno wasn´t the only one with strange eating habits.  
  
  
...... And then what? Will Reno catch Yuffie? Will he get his Materia back? Where are the others? But most importantly, Will Reno get his jam and cereal?   
Find out, in the next chapter of ´You must be joking!´. Until then, good bye.....  
  
- Metallicafangirl 


	5. Meet Draco Malfoy, Quidditch Captain, Ex...

Me again! Hey, Rappy28, that´s a good plan, but I´m afraid that we´ll be caught by the security.* sigh*. I want Reno!*whines*. I´ll just have to make do with the game, all the fan art and the fanfictions about him.  
Errm.. anyway, here´s chapter five. And I still don´t own anything. At all.*grumbles*.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Yuffie looked over her shoulder, while racing towards the huge double doors that lead out of the castle, and saw Reno only a few steps behind her, looking ready to kill. She swallowed hard, and tried to quicken her pace a bit, to keep him at least one step behind. As she looked ahead, she had to jump to the side to avoid crashing into Rude, who was walking across the hall. She shouted an apology over her shoulder, still running. Reno didn´t fall behind one step.  
  
Rude watched them in amusement as they ran out of the castle. He had a good idea what it was about, seeing his fellow Turk enraged, and the little ninja running as fast as she could.  
Smiling to himself, Rude walked into the Great Hall and found it peculiarly silent, the students looking shocked. He spotted Vincent Valentine sitting at one of the tables, looking down into the plate infront of him, apparently engrossed in his food. As he walked closer, the ex-Turk looked up at him, rolling his eyes.  
" Have they killed each other yet?" The gunman asked. Rude smirked, and shook his head. One of Vincents eyebrows raised.  
" Reno must be loosing his tuch." He commented.  
" He´s not far behind." Rude replied.  
" So I figured. Have the others woken up yet?" Rude shrugged, reaching for the toast. And the strawberries. And the egg. Of wich he made a sandwich. And breakfast continued as normal. Or at least nearly normal.  
  
  
Yuffie desperatley tried to run faster, but failed, and Reno was slowly gaining on her. She sought for somewhere to run to, where she wouldn´t be cornered by the furious Turk, and her wildly searching eyes found a quite large flat ground, covered by neatly trimmed grass. She headed for it, somehow finding a little more strength for her sorely tried legs. She reached it with Reno so close behind her, that she could almost feel his breath in the back of her neck. She managed to get to the middle of the area without him catching her, when something black and round came shooting down through the air, barely missing her head, stopping her dead in her tracks. Reno too had halted, momentarily forgetting he was after her head, instead searching for the source of the Black Attacking Flying Thingy(TM).  
" What the friggin´ Hell was that!?" He exclaimed, continuing by letting out a string of curses that would have made Cid Highwind proud.  
" Yeah! It nearly hit me!" Yuffie said when she got her breath back. She was just about to say something, when they were interrupted by a voice from the other side of the lawn/stretch of grass/plain, whatever it was.  
"FLINT! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU`RE DOING!?" The angry shout was uttered by a tall, platina-blond youth in a black and green cloak. Yuffie and Reno turned their eyes to him, looking for an answer. The blond boy was approaching them rapidly, looking very angry indeed. When he came closer, the angry look was replaced by an apologetic one.  
" Are you alright?" He asked.  
" Yeah, only a bit shocked." Yuffie answered.  
" I´m sorry about Flint, he should have seen you. What are you two doing in the middle of the Quidditch pitch any way?" He wondered. Reno raised an eyebrow.  
" Qui-what? We just want to know what the Hell that was." He said, making the blond boy falther for a moment.  
" You don´t know Quidditch?"  
" No, we don´t. And we don´t care, as long as it doesn´t kill us." Reno said, smirking at the boys confusion.  
" Well, anyway, back to your question. The thing that nearly hit you was a Bludger, one of the four balls used in Quidditch." The boy said, shaking of his puzzlement. Reno grinned at his words, and opened his mouth to comment .  
" Fou- Ow!" He yelled, holding his side where Yuffie´s elbow had just made impact, sending her an improved version of Death Glare(TM).  
" What was that for, you little brat? That friggin´ hurt!" He whined.   
" Just because you can´t spell polite, doesn´t mean you´re excused, you know." She replied evenly.  
" I wasn´t going to say anything!" The redhead said, mock-hurt. Yuffie scowled at him.  
" I could hear you thinking it !" She said, still scowling. Reno winked.  
" Well, I won´t have to say it then, but tell me, when did you become a mind reader?" He shot back, flashing his infamous smirk. Yuffie growled.  
" Shut. Up. Turkey." She hissed. They were once again interrupted by a Bludger heading their way, and Reno, acting on instict or on the years of training he had, Pulled out his Tigerstar.55 and shot at it. It fell neatly out of the air, landing in front of his feet. The blond boy swallowed hard, staring at the gun in the redheaded Turks hand, then up at his face, then back again. Reno smirked.  
" You lost your voice, blondie?" He asked. The blond boy scowled.  
" No, and the name´s Draco Malfoy, not blondie. It´s just that not many people use guns around here. We have wands instead." Then he turned around and looked up at the sky.  
" IF YOU SHOOT A BLUDGER THIS WAY AGAIN, FLINT, I`M GOING TO MAKE YOU REGRET YOU WERE EVEN BORN!" He shouted at a brown-haired boy, who was hovering on his broomstick several feet up in the air. The boy scowled.  
" You wouldn´t dare, Malfoy! Just because your father is rich and powerful, doesn´t mean you can shove everyone´s ass around!" He said. Draco smiled.  
" No, but I can damn well kick yours." He said, still smiling like a lunatic.  
" You can´t, it´s against school rules." The brown-haired boy boasted, but his voice was shaking now.  
" Didn´t you know, Flint, it´s against the rules to shoot Bludgers at a non-player, too. Now don´t make me come up there and stuff my broom down your throath."  
" You´ll have to beat me to him first, kid, and I don´t think your up to it." Reno said, still with his gun drawn.  
  
  
Inside the Great Hall, Tifa had now joined the two men at the breakfast table. The three of them didn´t even look up when the shot rang out. They just glanced at each other.  
" Reno." Vincent stated. Rude nodded his agreement, but Tifa said;  
" I do hope he´s not aiming at Yuffie." And Rude dropped his sandwich, Vincent echoing his reaction, only with his fork instead of sandwich. The two men stared at each other in horror. Tifa smiled uncertainly.  
" Errr, you guys, do you know something I don´t?" She said. Vincent and Rude nodded. They ignored her.  
" You don´t think...?" Vincent started.  
" That we should get out there?" Rude finished. The gunman nodded.   
" I think we should."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Does Tifa suspect something? Will `Flint´ get his ass kicked? Is Reno getting his Materia any time soon?   
Will breakfast be ruined? And where´s the rest of AVALANCHE? Find out, when ´You Must Be Joking!´ returns.  
- Metallicafangirl. 


	6. Guns and Dead Bludgers

Another chapter! Yay! I'm sorry for the delay, but I was working on my Zelda fic. Disclaimer; I don't own diddly-squad! Honestly!  
  
Reno and Draco was still glaring at Flint, with a good help from Yuffie, when Vincent, Rude and Tifa arrived at the Quidditch pitch, slightly out of breath. Yuffie smiled at them.  
  
" Vinnie, Tifa, what are you doing here?"  
  
" We heard gunfire, and Vincent and Rude thought it was Reno." Tifa explained.  
  
" It was." The redhead confirmed. Now, Tifa and the other two could see he had his gun out.  
  
" But since Yuffie's still alive, who did you shoot?" Tifa asked, bewildered. Reno smirked, and pointed at the now quite dead Bludger lying on the grass. Vincent looked from Reno to the Bludger and back again. Vincent cleared his throat.  
  
" Erm... Reno?"  
  
" Yeah, Valentine?"  
  
" Why did you shoot the defenceless little ball?" The tall gunslinger asked.  
  
" Defenceless!? That friggin´ thing was aiming at my head! I swear, it was trying to kill me!" Reno exclaimed, gesturing wildly at the black leather ball. Once again, Vincent, now joined by Tifa and Rude, looked from the ball on the ground and back up at the redheaded Turk.  
  
" Sure it was Reno." Vincent said, figuring that to agree with the obviously insane redhead was better than to disagree and possibly make him angry.  
  
" Dammit Valentine! I'm telling the truth!" Reno said, angry that he wasn't believed.  
  
" He is" Draco piped in, looking nervously from Vincent to Rude, wondering who the Hell they were, and if they were dangerous. Vincent stared at him.  
  
" And who are you?" He asked. Tifa rolled her eyes.  
  
" Vincent! There's no need to be rude!" She scolded. Vincent, who, unknown to the general population, actually had a sense of humour, couldn't pass the opportunity.  
  
" But I'm not. He is." He said, pointing at Rude. Yuffie stared at him in bafflement.  
  
" Vinnie?"  
  
" Yes?"  
  
" You have a sense of humour?" She asked, and Reno grinned.  
  
" Yes." Vincent answered. Yuffie was just about to comment on this, when she looked over the tall mans shoulder, and exclaimed;  
  
" Watch out Vincent!" The tall gunslinger didn't even look around him, but drew his Death Penalty, and shot behind him. There was a sound of leather ripping, and then a dull ´thud´.  
  
" Great, Valentine. You've killed the little defenceless ball." Reno snickered.  
  
" Now do you believe me when I say that it attacked me?" He continued, looking around at the three new-comers. Neither of them answered. Vincent was staring at the deceased Bludger, Tifa was wildly looking around her, trying to see where it had come from, and Rude was fighting down laughter. Draco however, knew exactly where it came from.  
  
" FLINT! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE! NOW!" He roared at his team mate.  
  
While waiting for the Beater to come down, everyone teased Vincent.  
  
" Hey, Valentine, you shot the little ball! How you feel?" Reno was saying. Vincent, trying to save whatever dignity he had left, re-sheathed his gun.  
  
" I just reacted."  
  
" Sure, that's what they all say." Reno smirked.  
  
" Reno?" The tall man said sweetly.  
  
" Yeah?"  
  
" Shut up."  
  
" Sure, whatever." The redhead said, lighting a cigarette. But he did shut up, because you didn't mess with Vincent Valentine if you valued your life. In the silence that ensued after Reno shut up, an argument could be heard.  
  
" Flint, how many times do I have to tell you?! If you shoot a Bludger at non-players, I'll kick you of the team!" Draco yelled at the brown haired boy standing in front of him.  
  
" But Draco, it was an accident!" Flint tried to defend himself. It didn't work.  
  
" You're of the team, Flint!"  
  
" What?!! You can't do that!" Flint exclaimed.  
  
" Watch me." Draco hissed, and Flint decided to leave the pitch before he got hurt.  
  
Draco turned around to find five people looking at him. Reno was grinning, Yuffie was smiling to herself, Tifa just stared, Vincent was studying his shoes, and Rude wore his usual blank expression.  
  
" Whaaat?" He asked them.  
  
" You scared the shit out of that guy." Reno said, still grinning. Draco shrugged.  
  
" I can be scary if I want to, and threats are the only things that work on Flint, I'm afraid. His scull is too thick to understand anything else."  
  
"Been there." Tifa said, rolling her eyes. Draco glanced at her, but didn't comment.  
  
" However, now I have a problem with a capital P." He said. Seeing their blank expressions, he continued.  
  
" After kicking Flint of the team, I am one Beater short, and we have a game on Friday. If I don't find a replacement before that, Slytherin will be out of the tournament for this year." He sighed.  
  
" And no-one that I know of will be able to replace Flint."  
  
Tifa looked thoughtful. She eyed the players, Draco, and the Bludger. She reached a decision.  
  
" Hey, throw me that Bludger thing, will you?" She asked. Draco raised an eyebrow, but did as he was told. Tifa balled her fists, and punched the leather ball. Everyone ducked as it shot past their heads, and watched it hit the stands on the other side of the pitch. Draco's jaw slacked.  
  
" You've got a mean punch on you, Lockheart." Reno commented.  
  
" Thank you." Tifa said. She noticed Draco staring her.  
  
" What is it?" She asked the blond boy.  
  
" That, was amazing!" He exclaimed. " How much will I have to pay you to be on my team?"  
  
" Pay? You don't have to pay me! I'll play anyway." Tifa answered him, then watched silently as Draco went down on his knees.  
  
" There is a God." He said, making the others laugh.  
  
" Nah, kid, they killed him." Reno said, and then winced as Yuffie punched him.  
  
" Shut up, Reno, he wasn't God!" She snapped.  
  
" He said he was!" The redhead shot back. The argument was interrupted by a voice from the other side of the pitch.  
  
"MALFOY!"  
  
  
  
  
  
..Muahahahahahahaha! Cliffhanger! I am evil. Anyway, who is yelling at Draco Malfoy? Will Tifa be Slytherins new Beater? And will Reno get his Materia back? Who knows? Hopefully, you will find out in the next episode of You Must Be Joking! - Metallicafangirl. 


	7. Taking Over the Pitch

I'm back! Vincent is back from his vacation! I can write again, and I just got these ideas for You Must Be Joking. So, here it is.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Nil. Zip. Zilch. Nada.  
  
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Reno and the rest looked in askance at Draco. Said boy winced.  
  
" Why me? Does god hate me?" He asked no one in particular, and looked miserable.  
  
Then he drew a deep breath and slipped a sneer on his face. Then he turned to face whoever it was yelling his name.  
  
" What is it Potter? Missing me?" He drawled, earning himself a few raised eyebrows from the Turks and AVALANCHE, and a death glare from the boy approaching from across the pitch, followed by a group of people, all garbed in scarlet robes. The boy had messy black hair and glasses, and he was carrying a broom. So were the rest of his followers.  
  
The boy, presumably Potter, sneered back at Draco, hate evident in his eyes.  
  
" Oh, yes, Malfoy, I can't live without you." He spat back, sarcastically.  
  
" Sorry, Potter, I don't do guys. Why don't you ask Weasel? Or maybe you have already."  
  
Potter was about to snap back at him, when Draco spoke again.  
  
"Now, Potter, please tell me why you're here, so that you can get away from here and do something else. Or, should I say, someone else?"  
  
" Shut the f*** up, Malfoy! You're the one who's getting off the pitch! We've booked the pitch for training!"  
  
" You'll need a lot of practising, if you want your Beaters to be even remotely passable in time for the game on Friday."  
  
" Speaking of Beaters." A tall sandy haired boy said.  
  
" What, Finnegan?"  
  
" We saw Flint on our way here. He was muttering something about being kicked off the team."  
  
" Yeah. What's it to you?"  
  
"If you kicked him, you're one Beater short for Friday."  
  
"Actually, Finnegan, I'm not. I'm way ahead of you. Not that's very unusual, mind you. I've already got a new Beater. "Draco said, smirking superiorly.  
  
Potter, who was still seething over Malfoy taking the pitch from them, and insulting him, snapped out of his moody thoughts immediately. He stared at Draco, slack-jawed.  
  
" A new Beater?" He squeaked." But, we only saw Flint a few seconds ago."  
  
Draco shrugged, secretly enjoying the looks on the Gryffindor's faces. It had been a while since he had reduced them to jaw-dropping surprise, and he sniggered inwardly at their expressions.  
  
" Welcome to my world, Potter. Here everything happens fast."  
  
"But who's your new Beater, Malfoy? I didn't know there were any guys in Slytherin that could play Quidditch."  
  
" Who says it's a guy? Or a Slytherin for that matter?" He inquired innocently, and then turned to the Slytherin players.  
  
"PRACTISE IS OVER!" He bellowed at them. He turned back to the Gryffindors with a superior smirk on his face.  
  
" The pitch is yours, Scarface." He said, and then sauntered away, leaving the Gryffindors staring at him.  
  
Reno, Yuffie, Vincent, Tifa and Rude looked at them for a moment before following Draco off the pitch.  
  
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And that's all folks! Until next time!  
  
- Metallicafangirl. 


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